


Home For The Holidays, God Help Us!

by cdelbridge



Category: Mystrade - Fandom, johnlock - Fandom
Genre: BDSM, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2020-11-23 12:43:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 7,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20892305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cdelbridge/pseuds/cdelbridge
Summary: The Holmes parents invite the boys and their spouses home for the holidays.  I confess I’m missing the Holmes insanity after family vacation.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are invited to spend the holidays with the Holmes parents.

The bedroom door burst open followed by an indignant consulting detective who pounced on his still sleeping spouse. “This is all your fault, John Hamish Watson-Holmes! You and Lestrade!” He threw himself on the bed and lay there, rigid and irate.

John had been having a wonderful dream involving a threesome with Sherlock and his clone (don’t ask me, talk to John’s subconscious) and it took him a minute to go from being the meat in a Sherlock sandwich to being awake and blamed for he knew not what. Opening his eyes, he said, “I’m in the middle of a fantastic dream, Sherlock and I’m about to come on your clones face, can you come back in an hour?” Closing his eyes, he tried to roll back over.

His spouse was having none of it. “No I will not! We have been invited to spend the Christmas holidays with my parents and Cake Boy. This is all your fault! My parents like you and Graham and expect to see you, and by extension Mycroft and myself, for the holidays. Ugh!” He stood and stomped around the bedroom.

John was still trying to wake up and his erection was fading, to his dismay. “Well I think it’s great. And I know they’ve invited us. Your father called me a couple days ago." John pulled the blanket over his head and tried to go back to his dream.

Sherlock stopped stomping and said, “I’ll tell her we have to work and can’t make it!”

The blankets said, somewhat muffled, “I already told them we’d be there.”

The detective glared at the John-shaped lump and said, “I’m not going.”

The blankets moved a little and a slightly clearer voice said, “You’re going if I have to drug you and tie you to the roof of the car. Deal with it.” The blankets moved back to muffled speech.

Sherlock glared at the blankets, “I suppose we’ll have to buy presents as well. I know what to get my parents and I usually get my brother a subscription to Cake Of The Month Club but I’m at a loss for Lestrade.”

The blankets moved again and said, “Cake of the Month Club? I don’t want to know.”

Sherlock continued, “new bondage gear? A blow-up doll that looks like Mycroft? That could be fun. John!”

The blankets said nothing.

“John! Watson! Holmes!”

The blankets snored.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shopping for presents

“Our Christmas gift list keeps growing.” John said, looking at the paper in front of him. “Do you have ideas on what to get everyone?”

Sherlock said casually, “Well, we can kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. I usually get Mummy’s and Mrs Hudson’s gifts from the adult toy store. We can probably get Lestrade’s there as well.”

“Of course you do.” John rolled his eyes as the taxi pulled to the kerb.

“What are you getting Harry?”, Sherlock asked as he emerged from the cab to stand next to his spouse.

“She asked for a nice bottle of Bourbon. She’s partial to Jim Beam. She’s getting fuzzy slippers.” Taking his husband’s gloved hand, they moved into the holiday fray.

Sherlock smiled, “You’re such a doctor! How about a month at a spa where she can dry out?”

“Tried it.” John said shortly. “She got thrown out for bringing in ten bottles of mouthwash (it was vodka) and then trying to bribe the attendants to help her get more.”

“Of course she did. Fuzzy slippers it is!”

“What about your dad?” John stopped in front of a display of sweaters. Holding one up towards his husband, he pointed out, “this would match his eyes.”

“Nope, we’re getting my father a puppy.” Sherlock said with satisfaction. At John’s look of surprise, he added, “his ancient retriever passed recently and he’s devastated.”

“He’s never said anything when I talk to him.” John was a little surprised. He and Timothy were friends, or so he thought.

“Don’t be offended, he’s been around my mother and us for so long, he’s forgotten that not everyone can read him without a word.” Sherlock had grabbed John’s hand again and gave it a squeeze.

“What about your brother?” John was intent on getting real presents for everyone this year and wasn’t going to tolerate cake-related items.

Sherlock pulled him into a bookstore at that moment and so it took a moment to answer. “I was thinking a custom-made t-shirt that says, “Will Fuck For Cake” or a pair of double pajamas for them both.”

“Double pajamas??” John noticed his favorite author had a new book out. “Dare I ask”

Sherlock noticed the book as well but he’d already bought a copy for John last week. “It’s what you think, a large pair of pajamas for two people. Maybe they’ll get hopelessly intertwined and we’ll have to come cut them out.” The detective grinned with delight.

“You’re evil!”, John said but he laughed as well. Sherlock had stopped and was looking at the medical books. John wasn’t concerned, his spouse had all of them and the newest was already wrapped and under the tree. He continued, “seriously though. What are we getting your brother and Lestrade?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mystrade viewpoint

Mycroft looked at Greg with an eyebrow raised, “Seriously? Christmas? I don’t know myself anymore.”

Greg just smiled. “The world can do without you for a few days and they have your number if they absolutely need you. I’m looking forward to it personally.”

”Seriously?” Mycroft was reclining in their spacious tub. Greg had just arrived home from a later than expected night and was removing clothes, preparing to join his husband. Mycroft watched his every movement avidly. “I’d have thought you’d have gotten your fill from the family vacation.”

”It’s been a couple months. I think I’ve recovered." Greg said with a grin as he slid into the tub. The hot water felt heavenly. “Besides, I like your parents. John, Timothy and I meet up for lunch once a month or so.”

”I am glad you all get along. But you’re missing the major issues here. One, what do we get everyone for presents and two, we’re going to be on their turf. Just don’t lose anything in the couch. I put my hand between the cushions once looking for my keys and found my mother’s Merry Widow. Or at least I think it was her’s?” Mycroft mused.

”I am not thinking about it! And I'm not visually it!” Lestrade loudly declared, reaching for his husband.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the parents....

“I’m so glad the boys are coming for the holidays!” Margaret Holmes was making a shopping list. “I plan to do a lot of cooking. Sherlock is still too thin although so much better than before John!”

Timothy was bent over, rummaging in the refrigerator. “We need milk,” he announced as he stood up. “But yes, I agree. Both John and Greg have been so good for the boys. Mycroft isn’t as uptight as he used to be.” He came up behind his wife and kissed the top of her head. “Although I think we’re the only ones who would notice.”

Margaret smiled, “I’ve sometimes wondered if he’s really ours. Maybe we should ask the hospital if they made a mistake?”

“We did, remember?” Timothy chuckled. “They said nice try and laughed at us.”

“Yes, I suppose after all this time he’s ours no matter what.” Margaret stood. “I was going to take a shower before we head to the store. Would you like to scrub my back?”

Timothy took her hand, “lead the way sexy woman!”

~~~~~~

Later

“You know, we have to get presents for everyone.” Margaret laid her head on her husband’s chest. “We really have to get up and get dressed if we want to go to the stores.”

Timothy smiled, “I suggest we order on-line and have everything delivered. Even the groceries.”

“You are a brilliant man Timothy Holmes!” Margaret said with a smile.

~~~~~~~

Later still

“We really should get out of bed Timothy.” 

The blankets moved. A loud moan ensued. “Or not.”

~~~~~~

And later still

“The delivery driver is here with dinner Timothy. Will you get the door?” Margaret stirred lazily.

Her husband headed for the door yelling, “on my way!”

“Oh, dear,” Margaret yelled. She heard the front door open and a gasp. “You might want to put on your pants first.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The parents need help shopping for each other....

“Sherlock! It’s Mom. I’m at a loss as to what to get your father for Christmas and I was hoping you could help.”

“I don’t know, will I be scarred for life? SH”

“And I know the text is from you Mom! Your name comes up with the text alert you know. SH”

“And I know the answer is from you but you continue signing your initials.... Just saying.”

“What do you want to get Dad? SH”

“Can you go to the adult store you took me to and give me some gift ideas? I’m thinking a cock ring and something else....”

“Ugh!!!!!! I’m scarred for life Mother! If my sex life suffers, I’ll let John know it’s your fault! SH”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Sherlock! Should I get you some of those little blue pills for a present? You’re a lot too young for that issue but all those drugs you did could have some sort of long lasting effect, I suppose.”

“MOTHER! I don’t have erectile disfunction!!! SH”

“Well I’m glad to hear it dear. Do you and John take turns being the top? I saw an adorable French maid’s outfit the other day and thought you and John might each like your own. Send me your measurements please.”

“Mummy, pardon my French, but no way in hell! SH”

“Ok, I’m sure I can guess. Or I can ask John....”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Texting John...

“John! DO NOT open a text from my mother! And if you do or have, DO NOT send her our measurements! She has hit an all time new level of insanity! SH”

“What? Why? I already told her our sizes. I think she’s getting us matching sweaters or something equally cute.”

“John Hamish Watson! Are you crazy?!?! My mother wants to get us matching French maid outfits and wanted to make sure we take turns being the top before she did so. I refused to give her our sizes but you played right into her hands! SH”

“John!?!? SH”

“John!?!?! SH”

“Sherlock, I’m completely and totally fucking mind blown. I don’t have anything to even say to this.”

“This is your fault! My mother likes you! SH”

“If it makes you feel any better, imagine what she’s getting your brother and Greg.”

“John! While that is seriously entertaining, you’re not listening! She’ll expect us to model for her and my father, plus Mycroft and Greg. SH”

“Oh dear god....”

~~~~~~  
Timothy put his arms around Margaret and squeezed. “So what have you decided to get Mycroft and Greg then?”

“A bondage swing! I’ve heard about them but have never seen one. I’m going to ask them to demonstrate so I can see if we might want one.” Margaret laid her head on her husband’s shoulder. “I am so looking forward to Christmas this year!”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More shopping

“Ok John,” Sherlock Holmes said, “we still have some presents to get. We’re not getting my father a puppy. Their neighbor died and Dad adopted their two older dogs. He’s absolutely delighted.”

John beamed, “oh that’s wonderful! But what are we going to get him then?”

“Remember that sweater you liked for him? Can you get that and I found a set of first edition Tolkien that he’ll love so he’s taken care of.”

John made note of the sweater as he sipped his coffee. “Ok, what about your mother?”

“That’s going to be more difficult. I got her a trench coat like spies wear in the bad novels she’s addicted to.” John smiled in delight. “But we need something else.” Sherlock drummed his fingers on the table.

John looked pained but said anyway, “the porn store didn’t give you any ideas?”

“Yes but I refuse to get her a cat’o nine tails.” Sherlock continued thinking. “Oh! I got it. Can you get the boxed set of an actors movies if it exists?”

John picked up his phone, “sure. What actor?”

“Richard Dick, he’s her favorite porn star.” Sherlock ticked off a mark by his mother’s name.

John held his head in his hands briefly, shook his head and wrote down the name. “Mrs Hudson?”

Sherlock got up to pour more coffee for them both then sat back down. “We got her a new plant and a new vibrator with a subscription for a year’s worth of batteries. She’s single right now you know.”

John winced. “You know, our friends and family make me realize there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. What about your brother?”

”We got him a set of books from his new favorite author and a pair of slippers that look like pieces of cake.” Sherlock made another note. “What about Lestrade?”

”Cake slippers? You really can’t control yourself can you?” John shook his head in disgust. “I asked Mycroft what to get Greg so that’s already taken care of. Unless you want to add your own brand of lunacy to a present?” He added, half afraid of what he’d say.

His spouse nodded thoughtfully. “I’ll think about it. Harry? Still going with fuzzy slippers?”

”Yep.” John said shortly, popping the p.

”Molly?” Sherlock asked suddenly. “I forgot about her. Any ideas?”

”Got it already.” John looked at his list. “Hey we’re doing good. Except for a few odds and ends, we’re all set.”

”Still doing Christmas Eve here then heading to my parents in the morning? I reserved a car so we don’t have to drive with Cake Boy.”

John stood up and stretched, then grabbed his list. He also had a few sexy things to pick up for his husband which he’d do without Sherlock’s company.

Sherlock grabbed his list as well then stood and stretched. He had to pick up a few more things for John still...


	8. Mystrade shopping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More shopping only this time with Mycroft and Greg.

Greg pulled the shopping list out of his pocket and grabbed his husband by the elbow to steer him towards a coffee shop. “Come on! I know you hate shopping and want to get it over with but I need coffee.”

Mycroft found seats while Greg got the coffee and a muffin to split. As he sat down, his husband said, “I still don’t see why we couldn’t just tell Anthea to pick up the gifts. She used to do all my shopping for me.”

“Do you really want Anthea to pick out my gifts?” Greg asked casually, sipping his coffee. “I’d rather she not visualize me with a ball gag every time she sees me.”

Mycroft smiled, “OK, maybe not your gifts. Although the ball gag is giving me ideas.” He shifted his chair closer to Lestrade and let his fingers walk up his husband’s thigh.

The detective rolled his eyes and grabbed Mycroft’s hand. Giving it a squeeze, he put the hand back on the table. “You remind me of your brother so much! Neither of you has any self control.”

Mycroft got that haughty look that made Lestrade laugh. “I have nothing in common with Sherlock except our parents and last name! He’s always resented me.”

Greg just laughed. “Keep telling yourself that My and maybe someday others will believe it.”

His husband sniffed delicately and said, “but seriously! What are we getting everyone?”

”What do you want to get your parents?” Lestrade checked his list. “Your father suggested a gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret for your mother. Your mother suggested, and I quote, “one of those prostate stimulator things for your father.”

The British government rubbed his temples delicately. “Shoot me please.”

Lestrade continued, “your mother also asked about our sizes. I think she’s doing something cute like couple sweaters.”

Mycroft sat up abruptly, “you didn’t give them to her did you?” At his husband’s nod, he groaned. “She’s probably planning on getting us something she considers erotic like bondage pants or something. She’ll expect us to model them at Christmas in front of everybody and then ask questions about it.”

”Ordinarily I wouldn’t believe you but I know your parents. Comfort yourself imagining what she’ll get John and Sherlock! Speaking of which, what do you want to get them?”

”A propeller beanie for my brother sounds good....”, Mycroft smirked.

Greg just rolled his eyes and muttered, “self control!”


	9. The Day Before Christmas Eve, part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock and John

“Sherlock! I have a few things to do but I’ll be home shortly. Remember we’re having people over tomorrow so we need to clean the flat”

“Sherlock?”

“Sherlock!”

“Ok, gees John! I was wrapping presents. Why do we have to clean? Anyone coming over has already seen the flat at its worst. SH”

“Are you kidding me? There’s a pair of your dirty pants on the Christmas tree. I’d like our friends to think that we have some manners.”

“Oh why bother! Look at our friends! And my dirty pants are on the tree because you threw them there! Now let me get back to wrapping! The wrapping paper I ordered specially for my brother’s gift came in! SH”

“Do I want to know?”

“It’s brilliant John! It’s very festive until you look closely and realize the tree is a cock and the snow on the branches is cake icing! I should order more in case they quit making it after this year! SH”

“Is this for the cake slippers?”

”Cake slippers? Oh, yeah, for them too! SH”

”Oh dear god...”


	10. Day Before Christmas Eve, part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mycroft and Greg

“I told you we should have let Anthea do this,” Mycroft repeated. “Why do presents have to be wrapped? Just hand things to people and be done with it!” 

From his side of the big dining room table, Greg smirked. “Too easy. Besides, half the fun is the suspense.”

“Please.” The British government looked at his husband, “Sherlock will deduce his when we walk in the door.”

”Then make it a challenge”, Lestrade said as he added tape to the package he was wrapping. “Put it in a large box or in several boxes. Or make him follow clues to get his present. He’ll grumble but love it.”

“There’s an idea.” Mycroft rubbed his chin then took a sip of tea. “Gregory, let it not be said that you’re not brilliant!”

NSY smiled, “I have my moments.”

Mycroft added a bow to a fussy looking box. “People are stopping by tomorrow right? People from your office as well as mine?”

”Yep.” Lestrade popped the “p”. He really was hanging around Sherlock and John too much if he was picking up their habits, he thought. “Their presents will be under the tree in the sitting room. I put ours under the tree in the bedroom alcove so people don’t accidentally get the wrong one.”

”Definitely a good idea. Anthea already knows us better than she should. I’d hate for her to accidentally open any of my presents to you.” Mycroft reached for another present to wrap.

Lestrade smiled but had to agree.


	11. The Day Before Christmas Eve, part three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The parents

Margaret Holmes was puttering around their kitchen, happily baking for the upcoming holiday weekend. The kitchen was a disaster with dishes and pans piled everywhere and spilled flour on the floor. She was in her element.

Watching her every move were their two new (older) dogs, Laurel and George, who they’d recently adopted after the death of their neighbor. They were lying under the table, patiently waiting for something, besides flour, to drop on the floor. 

Timothy was bringing in fire wood. While he was moving slowly because of his age, his progress was further hampered by his pinching or kissing Margaret every time he passed her. She reciprocated as evidenced by the floury handprints on his jeans and the smear across his left check. 

Timothy finally finished his chore and sat down at the table. Watching his wife fondly, he said, “are we all ready for the weekend?”

Margaret popped her latest dish in the oven and hit the timer. Grabbing coffee for them both she sat down as well. “Well, I’m still baking. The boys’ old rooms are cleaned and new bedding put out. The tree is up but we still have some wrapping to do. Want to bring the presents out here and we can wrap them together?” She slipped her shoes off and rubbed her feet on Timothy’s leg.

“Not if you keep doing that,” he laughed. “Why don’t I help you clean up while you finish baking. If we start wrapping right now, everything will be covered in flour.”

”You are so brilliant.” Standing, Margaret leaned in for a kiss. “And over-dressed!”

Smiling, Timothy started unbuttoning his shirt.


	12. Christmas Eve, part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas Eve at 221B

John looked around the flat, satisfied with the way things looked. Cleaning was not his favorite pastime, he admitted, but his husband took cluttered to a whole new level. The dirty pants in the Christmas tree, kitchen table covered with bizarre experiments, a pair of handcuffs on the sitting room floor.... John bent over to pick those up, smiling broadly as he did so. Sherlock’s pale skin had looked wonderful under the twinkling lights, covered in a light sheen of sweat, John hastily changed thought processes before his erection got out of hand.

His husband entered the room at that moment and John felt his jaw drop. “Sherlock Holmes! Our guests will be here any minute! Why are you naked??

Sherlock wandered into the kitchen, very much naked and apparently looking for tea. “Don’t worry about it, John. I’m sure they’ve all seen it before.” Grabbing a mug, he poured tea and added an insane amount of sugar. “I’ll get dressed. I’m just not motivated.”

”Motivated? What possible motivation could you need?” John asked loudly. The doorbell rang at that moment. “Go put clothes on. Actual clothes that match. I can still take your damn present back you know!” John made for the stairs after the second buzz.

~~~~~~

John reappeared with Molly, her new boyfriend Peter and Mrs Hudson. John opened the flat door and looked around for a large, pale, nude husband but didn’t see him. Taking everyone’s coats, he was taking drink orders when Sherlock strolled in. John’s mouth dropped again.

It wasn’t that Sherlock was naked. Far from it. It was just that he was dressed so unlike himself that John was stunned. He was wearing a plaid shirt (plaid? Sherlock?), with a gorgeous heather green sweater over it, faded blue jeans that fit like a glove and boots. He looked like he was spending the week at his cabin in the woods. Taking the coats from John, he greeted everyone and said, “don't mind me! John dressed me in a hurry!” And he made his way to the bedroom with the coats. Molly gulped audibly.

John just closed his eyes and shook his head. It was going to be a long weekend.

~~~~~~~

Sitting in front of the fire after their friends had left, John handed Sherlock a package to open. Watching his husband attack the wrappings, John said, “I like the clothes by the way. Were they in your costume wardrobe?”

Sherlock handed John a box and went back to his present. “What did you do? Wrap this in layers of tape? No, these clothes are mine. You don’t know everything about me yet John.” He smirked broadly at his husband.

John felt slightly disconcerted with that smirk. Standing, he said, “I’d like you to model that present for me.” Heading to the kitchen, he called, “Do you need a refill?”

Not hearing a reply, he came back in to find his spouse staring open mouthed at a beautiful pair of black high heeled pumps. Handing Sherlock another box, he said, “there’s more to that outfit.” He settled down on the couch to watch his husband strut and his erection grow.


	13. Christmas Eve, part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mycroft and Greg

Their house was filled with friends and co-workers, Greg realized as he looked around the large room. If anyone had told him a couple years ago he’d be married to Mycroft Holmes, deliriously happy and hosting holiday events, he’d have laughed heartily.

His eye caught his husband, Mycroft, across the room talking to his assistant Anthea and some others. He still couldn’t believe that his feelings were reciprocated and somedays felt the need to pinch himself.

His husband looked up at that moment, saw Greg watching him, and smiled warmly. Greg was the only person who saw the human side of Mycroft and it was a gift he did not take for granted. He smiled back as he moved to answer the door to more Yarders.

Later that night

Mycroft’s big, black car pulled up outside the Diogenes Club. Knowing that silence was insisted upon inside the building, Mycroft leaned over and said, “Merry Christmas Gregory!” Kissing his spouse deeply, Mycroft whispered, “I hope you enjoy!”

The car doors were opened by club attendants who helped the blindfolded detective inspector out of the car and led him towards the building. Once inside, they went towards the interior of the building while Mycroft turned left. The next time he saw Greg, he would be clad in leather, blind folded and gagged and the main event for the annual Christmas Flogging. He could feel his trousers getting tighter already.


	14. Christmas Eve, part three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the parents

Margaret and Timothy were on their way home from visiting neighbors on Christmas Eve. The dogs followed behind as the Holmes’ parents held hands and walked homeward.

“The boys will be here in the morning.” Margaret said happily. “I’m so thrilled with our little family Timothy!” She squeezed his hand as they walked. 

Timothy squeezed back and said, “me too!” Opening the gate to their property, he gracefully held it for Margaret (and the dogs) then caught up with her at the door with his key. “Would you like a night cap? We could sip while you open my presents to you.”

”And mine to you.” Margaret smiled. “Meet me back in the sitting room in fifteen?”

~~~~~~~

Margaret beat her spouse back to the sitting room but made good use of the time. First she put the presents under the tree then strategically arranged herself so her dressing gown was falling open to reveal swathes of black lace and silk. Feeling arms go around her middle and squeeze, she happily turned into Timothy’s embrace.

~~~~~~~

”Oh dear god, Timothy! Does it hurt? I can’t find the keys! Hold on baby! I’ll save you!” Margaret rooted frantically through the wrapping paper.

~~~~~~~~

“Sherlock! It’s Mom! Oh help! Your father is stuck and I’ve lost the keys! What can I do?”

“Stuck where? Keys to what Mother?! SH”

“His Christmas present Sherlock! I’ve lost the keys to the cock cage!”

”Sherlock? Are you there?”

”Sherlock?”


	15. Christmas Day, part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock and John

Sherlock and John were seated in the rental car heading towards the Holmes parents. John was staring out the side window as he waited for his spouse to safely navigate traffic before he spoke.

“Do you mind if I sleep on the way down? I didn’t get a whole lot of sleep after you woke me up to save your father from his Christmas present.” John reclined the seat, put his head back and closed his eyes at Sherlock’s nod.

“I owe you for that one but I couldn’t deal with my mother’s text hysterics without wanting to scream or laugh hysterically. Besides, she likes you.” The detective made a rude gesture at another driver as he continued. “How did you save the day anyway?”

John shuddered, “After your mother calmed down a little and quit telling me that your father was going to be a eunuch, I got her to search for the keys which she had put in a safe place but in the “excitement” (John made air quotation marks) she forgot about it. Your father is none the worse for wear, God help me, and I suggested he keep a key for such emergencies. He agreed. Your mother thanked me profusely then said something about oral sex, which I’m desperately trying to forget, and hung up.” He shuddered. “Your family!”

Sherlock navigated a turn and said, “Don’t want to hear it! You brought this on yourself!” Before John could protest, he continued, “Do I want to know where the safe place was?”

“No but since I had to deal with it, so do you!” John exclaimed. “She sewed a pocket into the bodice of her negligee for such things. I quit listening when she told me the things that fit well into the pocket besides key and lube.”

The detective shuddered, “Go to sleep. I’ll wake you up when we get there.”

~~~~~~~

“Wake up John! We’re about five minutes from my parents.” Sherlock took a right turn and slowed down. “Do you need anything before we get there?”

John opened an eye, “Well head is always appreciated but I’d hate to get busted on Christmas Day in broad daylight so I’ll wait. You?” he asked as he stretched.

“No, I don’t think there’s enough alcohol in England to dull this weekend.” Taking another turn, he pulled up in front of a cozy cottage. “We’re here. God help us.”


	16. Christmas Day, part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mycroft and Greg

Mycroft’s big black car was headed towards the Holmes parents as well but today Mycroft was driving. And complaining.

“I don’t know what has come over me!” he ranted. “This is all your doing! I’m civil to my brother, we got married (he squeezed Greg’s hand) and went on a family vacation, we’re spending the holidays with my parents and I’m driving!” He peered over the steering wheel, “I’m actually driving. I swear I don’t know myself.”

Greg shifted in his seat as he waited for the pain pill to take effect. His Christmas present had been wonderful but he was sore which was one of the reasons Mycroft was driving. That and Lestrade had convinced him to give his driver the weekend off. The British government was becoming more human.

”Have I told you lately how happy you make me My?” Greg had his eyes closed so didn’t see the smile that lit his husband’s face. “You understand and love me as no one ever has. I can be myself with you without worries about what you’ll think or will you be repulsed.” He squeezed Mycroft’s hand. “It’s very liberating.”

Mycroft smiled as well. “I never expected to find someone who understood me either. I’ve always told myself that caring wasn’t an advantage but you’ve changed my mind on so many things Gregory.”

”Love you.”

”Love you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wake up Gregory! We’re here, unfortunately.”

Lestrade stretched, groaned and sat up. “Oh look! Here comes your mother.” He waved at Margaret and Timothy, who’d joined her.

Mycroft had opened his door and stepped out, stretching and adjusting his clothing. “Hello Mother,” he bent and kissed her cheek.

”Hello boys!” Timothy greeted Greg who got out of the car slowly. “Need any help carrying things?”

Before anyone could say answer, Margaret spoke up. “A flogging? Seriously? Greg, could I see your back?”


	17. Christmas Day, part three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The parents

“Timothy! How are you feeling today?” Margaret asked worriedly.

“I’m fine love!” Timothy came up behind her, wrapping his arms around her. “Don’t worry, things are working just fine!” Twirling her around, he pulled her close and whispered, “want to see?”

~~~~~~~

Margaret hustled around the kitchen, making sure she had absolutely everything she could possibly need. Timothy came shuffling into the kitchen and sat down at the table.

“We haven’t bet on anything in awhile." he remarked.

Margaret stopped moving and stared, “you’re right! What should we bet on?” She grabbed a cup of tea and sat down with him.

“Hmm, how about which of the boys arrives first and,” Margaret grinned, “how long it will take before they get into an argument.”

“Oh, a twofer! I like it! I’ll take Mycroft and twenty minutes.” Margaret sipped her tea.

“Fine, Sherlock and a half hour.” Timothy smiled. “Love you.”

“Love you.”

~~~~~~~~~

“Look dearest,” Margaret said from the window, “you won round one.” She moved to the kitchen door.

“Never fear love, I’m sure they’ll argue as soon as Mycroft pulls in. Should we prime the pump if things get dull?”

Margaret looked over her shoulder, “don’t we always?”

~~~~~~~

Mycroft walked in through the kitchen door, following his parents. Greg brought up the rear. John was seated at the kitchen table while Sherlock was adding ingredients to Margaret’s apple cider.

“Sherlock!” she moved closer and smacked his hands, “enough of that!”

”I’m just trying to liven things up. Or make everyone drunk so we can ignore Mycroft and Lestrade’s back pain will dull.” Sherlock added.

Mycroft added, “Leave Gregory out of this. I see you’re your usual obnoxious self already.”

Timothy looked up, “Seriously? That was less than ten minutes!” He looked at Margaret, “Sorry love.”

”S’alright dearest, we’ve got them for the whole weekend.”


	18. Dinner Then Presents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pre-dinner insanity

They climbed the stairs to Sherlock’s old room with their bags. Sherlock led the way and stood back after opening the door to let John in. The room hadn’t changed much since Sherlock had originally occupied it. Overflowing bookcase, queen sized bed (“same bed?” John had asked. “Different mattress. Acid burn” Sherlock had replied.), desk and dressers.

John put his bag on the freshly made bed and opened it up. Sherlock had thrown his down and was rooting through his bookcase. Knowing his husband, John just rolled his eyes and unpacked Sherlock’s bag as well.

After a few minutes of Sherlock still rooting, John asked, “looking for something?”

”Damn! She found it!” At John’s look, Sherlock explained, “I used to hide my pot in different books. My mother must have found it.” At John’s look, he said, “not that I wanted to smoke it but my dad likes it. If I hide it in my room though, my mother will find it on a cleaning binge and they’ll smoke it. They like to think they’re saving me from myself. I brought some more for them.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a baggy which he carefully hid in a book. “They think they’re clever but consider it a Christmas present from us.”

”It’s amazing you and Mycroft turned out as “normal” as you did.” John said, complete with air quotes.

”You have no idea,” his husband replied.

~~~~~~~

Mycroft and Greg were similarly occupied although the British government had gallantly carried their bags. Opening the door to his old room, Mycroft asked, “how are you feeling?”

”Sore but it’s wonderful!” Greg exclaimed. “You really know the way to my heart.” He kissed the back of Mycroft’s neck as he moved to unpack his bag. “I am going to take something to take the edge off around your parents though. Every time I wince, your mother has a question or wants to see.”

The British government just rolled his eyes. “Wait until we get to unwrap the gifts. You’ll be glad of the pain pill.”

”Want to tell me what we’re getting?” Greg asked. “I’d believe just about anything.”

”Believe it or not, I have no idea. Which really makes me worry.” He kissed Greg soundly and said, “ready for dinner then presents?”

”God help me, I guess.” Greg took Mycroft’s hand as they headed downstairs.

~~~~~~~

Timothy came up behind Margaret and grabbed her butt. She flicked her dish towel at him but giggled happily.

”Self-control!” she said with a swat. “We don’t have time before they come back down and I don’t do quickies!”

”Spoilsport!” Timothy laughed and began to set the table. “Rain check!”


	19. Dinner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lunacy continues!

“Sherlock,” Margaret looked at her youngest son. “Do you want to say grace?”

“No," Sherlock replied.

Mycroft chipped in, “Seriously. We don’t say grace, we’re not that family.” With a look at his brother, and an eye roll, he continued, “besides, someone needs to feed Sherlock before he eats his fingers.”

Sherlock glared at his brother and removed the finger he had been sucking to entice John. Greg smiled as did Timothy. 

Margaret rolled her eyes and said, “no fighting at the dinner table!” Turning to Greg, she continued, “so Mycroft got you a flogging session but what did you get him? And by the way, I think it’s so wonderful you can be yourselves with each other!”

John, who was going to ask about Greg’s back later, cringed but said, “if you’d like me to take a look at it later, I’d be glad to.”

Sherlock, smirked, and filled his plate. “The Diogenes Club?” 

Greg, blushing although he should expect nothing less, said “Yes Sherlock. It’s fine John, thanks anyway. And yes, one of the best things about Mycroft is that I can be myself without judgement.” He smiled at his spouse and linked fingers (but didn’t answer Margaret’s question).

”That’s so great! It’s wonderful when you find the exact, right person.” She and Timothy shared a smile. “People think I’m the wild one but it’s actually Timothy who is.”

John smiled, wisely said nothing and bent over his plate. Sherlock snorted. Mycroft rolled his eyes and opened his mouth to retort but Lestrade kicked him under the table.

Margaret continued, “Timothy is just fine after our little mishap the other night. Thank you again John!” She smiled warmly at him. “I’m surprised at you Sherlock! Usually you’re much better in a crisis!”

Sherlock gritted his teeth and said, “I’m fine under pressure but most people don’t have their mother call in the middle of the night because they locked their spouse in a cock cage and misplaced the key!”

Lestrade dropped his fork and dove under the table for it. John could hear him snorting with laughter. Mycroft shook his head and said, “you never learn! I told you after the handcuff incident to make duplicates!” Turning to his father, he said, “are you OK?”

”I’m fine, which I’ve proved to your mother a couple times!” Timothy said with a laugh.

”Dear God!”, Sherlock yelled, “can we have one meal where we don’t talk about sex?”


	20. Presents!  God help us....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment we’ve all been waiting for!

Greg followed the rest of the family into the sitting room for presents. He had discreetly taken another pill for his back because, oddly enough, all the laughing at dinner had made it ache. Smiling to himself, he settled on the sofa next to Mycroft and petted one of the dogs who’d taken a liking to him.

Sherlock took the big, comfy chair (his personal favorite) while John got comfortable at his feet and scratched the other dog’s ears.

Margaret seated herself on the other sofa while Timothy did the honors with presents. Everyone’s had been placed under the tree so Timothy handed them all out which he enjoyed immensely.

Picking up one at random, he read the tag, “To Mummy from John and Sherlock”. He handed her a large box which she tore open with delight. Removing a trench coat with flaps and buttons (like Columbo, John had said, who? Sherlock had asked), Margaret stood up to model it. “Oh it’s wonderful! I always wanted to be a spy!”

“There’s something else in that box!” John pointed out. 

Margaret rooted around until she found the entire movie collection of Richard Dick, porn star. “Oh my god! This is so wonderful! He has a fifteen inch...”

“Mother!” interrupted Mycroft.

“What? I mean it would make my eyes water but your father is...”

“Mother!” both Holmes boys yelled.

Timothy, laughing, handed John and Sherlock one “from us”.

John opened it with some trepidation. He really couldn’t model a French maids outfit for his in-laws. Instead, he found a gorgeous heather green sweater for himself and a purple one for Sherlock. He looked at his spouse with some confusion.

Margaret caught the look and said, “there was such a backlog on the French maids outfits that I ordered them for next year and got you something else instead.”

John said a silent “thank god” and opened the smaller box which included a year’s supply of flavored lube. Smiling broadly, he held up one to his spouse and said, “I’ve always wanted to try gingerbread.”

Sherlock muttered, “liar!”, but thanked his parents sincerely (for the lack of the French maids outfits if nothing else!).

“This one’s for Mycroft!” Timothy handed his older son a package.

“Hm, penis Christmas trees with cake icing, why thank you Sherlock. Words fail me.” He opened up the cake slippers (John groaned and shook his head), put them on, pronounced them a perfect fit then handed Lestrade the other gift, a cat ‘o nine tail, saying “oh good! We need a new one.”

And so it went, some useful gifts (“Thank you boys, I love Tolkien”), to whimsical (“Mother, leather thong underwear just aren’t practical”) to what the fuck (“Um thank you for the bondage swing. No, we will not demonstrate. Sorry. Use your imagination. I now know what to get you for your birthday.”) to the insane (“a propeller beanie! Thank you Mycroft, I’ve always wanted one!”). John had even remembered the dogs, getting both of them new beds and a very large bone each.

Finally, loaded down with presents and food, John and Sherlock made their way to the stairs. Heading slowly upwards, it had been a long day, Sherlock loudly asked, “you didn’t forget the lube did you?”


	21. Home Again!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Until the next time!

John and Sherlock opened the door to their flat with relief. The weekend had been wonderful but it was great to be home and by themselves. The first thing Sherlock did was take off all his clothes. "Hot?" John asked casually.

"No. I'm celebrating being home! If it wasn't so damn cold, I'd open the windows as well. I've had enough family to last me for a long time." Sherlock had flung his clothing all over the sitting room and had moved to the kitchen. "Tea?"

"Yes, please." John, still totally dressed, put down the items he'd been carrying and took off his coat. "You have to admit, it was a nice weekend. And your mother packed a bunch of leftovers for us."

"Of course she did. She thinks I'm too thin." The detective's disembodied voice came from the kitchen.

"You are although so much better than when I first met you." John stood in the kitchen doorway watching his spouse flap around the kitchen. "Just don't burn your cock please. I'm not up for a trip to A&E tonight."

"Please John, that would be ridiculous. And you're overdressed." The detective continued with his tea preparations.

"Uh huh." John began unbuttoning his shirt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mycroft opened the door to their house and stepped back to allow Lestrade to go ahead of him. "It's so good to be home!" Greg said as he put down his armful of gifts and turned back to see if his husband needed any help.

"I so agree." The British government allowed Greg to take some of his armful. "How about a nightcap then a long soak in the tub?"

"Sounds really good. I need to put the leftovers your mother sent away first." He made his way to the kitchen followed slowly by Mycroft. 

"How about I take the wine and meet you in the bathroom. I'll get the tub started." He leaned in for a kiss from his detective. "How's your back?"

"Fine. A little sore from being in the car but the hot water will help." Greg looked at him, "it really was a nice weekend."

"Yes but thankfully we won't have to do something like that again for a few months." Mycroft walked towards the door and turned, "Gregory, thank you. For loving me. For marrying me. For wanting to be a member of my family. For everything."

Greg closed the refrigerator door and smiled, "thank you Mycroft for loving me, for marrying me and making me so happy."

"Don't be too long." Mycroft turned and walked towards the stairs, Greg watching his pert, little arse move.

"I'll be right behind you!" NSY felt himself getting hard already as he moved to follow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Oh Timothy!" Margaret was waiting in bed for her husband.

"Be right there!" Timothy made his way into their bedroom carrying a bottle of wine. "Got the movie all set?"

"Yep! The first Richard Dick movie! It's been ages since we've seen this one." Timothy climbed into bed next to her and she hit the play button. "This is the one where he sucks his own cock!" Margaret cuddled happily next to her husband. "Do you think we still bend that way?"

"Depends on how much wine we drink!" Timothy handed her a glass. "I'm up for trying!"

"Me too!"


End file.
